Never mind, I didn't get it either!
A Nurse received a call from an anxious Diabetic who was worried she had eaten too much sugar the day before.
“Are you lightheaded?” asked the Nurse.
“No” replied the caller. “I'm a Brunette”
After harvesting a bumper crop of courgettes, the Senior Office Manager put a notice on the board hoping his young team of lads and lasses would take some of the surplus. The notice said “Free Courgettes”
Next day, there appeared another notice underneath “Save the Whale”
A poor old lady sold roast chestnuts on a street corner for 50p per bag.
Every day, a young man would hurry by and throw 50p into her cup without taking any chestnuts.
One day the old woman called out to him. “Just a minute!” she cried.
“I know, I know” he replied, “You're wondering why I leave 50p every day but never take any Chestnuts?”
“No” the old woman said, “I just wanted you to know they have gone up to 75p.
Angry Father to irritating and argumentative child during dinner.
“Now just shut your mouth and eat your dinner!”
The young Vicar was keen to impress with his first Sermon in his new Church.
It took him a week to prepare and rehearse his sermon and eventually he got it word perfect.
It went well until he reached the climax of his message and without realising his error he thundered, “Just think of it……….the Lord fed five people with just five thousand loaves and two thousand fishes.”
There was a titter but everyone quickly controlled themselves apart from old George (who actually seemed to be awake at the moment). George roared with laughter, slapped his knee and took some time to subside.
The Vicar was puzzled but ploughed on and it was not until he got home that his wife explained the reason for George's mirth.
Determined to put the matter right, the Vicar chose exactly the same sermon the next week and this time, with great care, he got it right.
He looked down at George triumphantly and said. “There sir, I bet you couldn't have fed over five thousand people with only five loaves and two fishes?”
“Arrgh, I could an' all” retorted George, “specially if I had what was left over from last week!”
Secretary giving notices out at beginning of service
“You will find the preacher for next week hanging on the Notice Board outside”
Notice in the kitchen of a Church Hall: "Ladies, when you have emptied the teapot, please stand upside down in the sink".
Three senior boys in a very strict Christian school had been trying to convert a younger lad for some time, but to no avail. One day, out of sheer frustration they got hold of him and took him to the water butt which was full of water.
Two of the boys held him while the third pushed his head under the water. As he came up spluttering they asked him, "Have you found the Lord? "No", he replied, wiping the water away from his eyes.
Again, his head was pushed under the water, further this time and for a little longer. He came up gasping for breath and the other boys asked him loudly, "Have you found the Lord?"
"No" he whimpered. "No"
A third time he was ducked, this time for a very long time and as they lifted his head to just above the water they literally screamed at him, "Have you found the Lord Yet?"
"No" he cried, "Are you really sure he's in here?"
